me...n my world...

Being a slave of my own solitude....Sitting in my room...alone.... makes me happy!!!These are the few moments I live as myself. Otherwise.... uh.... I'm expert in pretending.....

And to make it a perfect solitude, this is what I on the bottom wanted...my cup of perfectly strong masala chai...without sugar....and my cosy velvet blanket!!!!

I am not too sure!!!
Opened my laptop. I love the sound my fingers make on these keyboards. Beat of the heart and the *thug thug* on keyboard makes it a par superior song than any.

I fear writing with inky pens on white papers....My tears may wipe down my life in them. I don’t want that to happen. That's why I like the concept of typing....I bet on my tear, dare you wipe this out!

Recalling the days when I was younger... The age when I only thought of just dictating whatever I want...
As life unwinds....I started of dreaming...started wishing...thoughts about me and my world...Yes...... My dreams, my wishes… me and my world..... The never ending alternates.
Fragrance on my hands still remains....It makes me crazy....unable to define the feeling.....My olfactory nerves awaken by the mystic discharge trying to reach the core...

I want to capture the whole essence before it leaves my hands...I am creating a world around it... building a castle...based on a solemn dream touched by this essence.....
Still trying to capture this....... to its last molecule. I wish this remains forever.......at least the elegant odour.
I am eagerly waiting for the next beautiful moment.......the one which spreads this fragrance all over my hands..... again.. ...again… and again.
My dreams, my wishes… me and my world....

...who to blame!!!!

I am becoming weird...lazy i suppose...for everything!!! I am having a pretty bad feeling at heart. Dont know abt what. Something that is pulling my heart or myself inside. I know I am happy I know I am fine, I know I know, but I dont know what is this!!! What my mind wants to feel, to know, to see. I didnt find the solitude I searched for....May be I never will!!!
It is a misconception, a dream, a feeling. Even though I know all these things, I still feel there is something which I fear or I love to fall in. I dont have anything to blame or anyone to blame for this. I cannot even blame me because there is no point or need for me to think or force my mind towards that. This is creating a big void in my mind. I dont find a way to express this. Blame it on my mind. We are becoming two......

The Choice of Journey

I just took a time of silence to look back on my life. I looked back on the road of my life and I saw that there are two roads that are leading to where today I am.

The one road is twisty and passes through canyons, over cliffs. It is a road that no sane man will ever travel. The other road looks like a highway- straight and flat.

After a little analysis I realized that the twisty difficult road is the road I choose to walk. I asked God why my journey was so difficult and he answered me that this road is so difficult and so dangerous because I did not heed God's word. I sinned and the devil led me on this twisty road.

As I looked at the twisty road, I started seeing road-signs all along the way, representing the things that I have done in my past. How shocked was I to see all the bad things that I have said, that I have done, that I have thought of.

I could see where I went over cliffs, the places where I have fallen and stumbled and where I got hurt so badly that it seemed impossible to live. There were also places where it seemed impossible for me to have survived the road that I was traveling.

It was really a horrific road. Sometimes there was no road at all and I wondered what happened during those times in my travels on this difficult road. I asked God and He said with a smile in His voice, “These were the times where the devil let go of you and I carried you. Your choices were not always right and you had to learn, I gave you freedom to do as you wanted and was hoping that you would learn from your choices."

I said, but how is it still possible that if I was following the devil and You where still there for me. He said “It is because I love you and I will never stop loving you, regardless of your sins."

I asked God about the other road that was flat and straight and He said, "That is the road that I had planned for you and which you choose not to walk. I was willing to lead you and show you all the riches that I had in my stores for you." I observed the sign posts next to the road which showed clearly the choices I had made. There was no doubt in my mind that all these choices were very far from what God had in mind for me and what He had planned for my life.

I wondered just how much I had missed in life by not following the God's road. I looked at the place where the two roads converge and my twisty and dangerous road met the straight road-at a short distance from where I was standing. Before I could ask God about this, He answered me and said, "You started praying, you started leaving the choices in My hands. You started trusting me and you started believing in the power of what I can do. I was hoping that you would come to Me and look at My road. All it took was for you, to start asking Me for the things in your life that you wanted and trusting Me enough with those things. I am burning to release My full flood of riches onto you, to give you far more than you could ever ask for or dream of! You must remember that it was YOUR choice to travel your own road, I was always there, but you never trusted Me, you never asked Me to help you."

I could only stand in amazement on what happened since the two roads converge. I could see the drastic change and the things that came my way since traveling God's way. I decided there and then that without God in my life, I do not want to live another day. I started understanding what God, my Father had in store for me and it is so simple. I just need to trust Him with everything and I must ask Him for it.

Another Achivement!!!

Staying alone in a flat and that too in an unknown city is indeed a strong decision. But my privacy is much more important....
And I was enjoying it to the fullest......till the day that cockroach appeared in my room!!!
The most unhygienic and weird creature with those moving antennae.....Shit! I hate them all!
On seeing it moving on the floor of my room, I went into complete vacuum... all blank...speechless.....motionless!!!
After a few micro seconds when I came back to my senses, I began to shout- which is indeed a non-voluntary action on seeing such a horror....but I dint....coz I realized no one is coming for help at 3:45 in the morning. Everyone around might be sleeping and would be in their sweetest of dreams while I am fighting this terror!!!
What should I do now???
Should I call the neighbour wali Bhabhi.....She said k koi problem ho toh bula lena...n dis is more than a problem! Should not call her...she might be sleeping. Also, for that, I will have to cross IT as it is near the door...Out of question!
What to do now...it was moving....coming close to my bed....maybe it will get on my bed!
Its gonna kill me today!!!
Suddenly I recalled the ASTRA I have to fight this situation. Knowing myself, I had already arranged a cockroach killing spray.
So I have it with me....just the job is to grab it from kitchen. Meanwhile I threw a rolled piece of paper on it to make it change direction!
Achieving my first target I rushed to the kitchen and returned with my weapon to fight it back...but it disappeared...where to search for it now???
On my bed, on the floor....looked everywhere....dint find it....finally looked behind the door...and there it was....hiding itself....from me indeed!!!

So...is it scared????

Scared from me!!!
Should I kill it???
Suddenly all my fears started disappearing...I started pitting it now!

Then I decided not to kill it.Rather, I took a broom and helped it out of the flat!!!
That was a triumph over my fear...fear against a cockroach!!!

happy mother's day Ma'

We are sooo accustomed to seeing mom as always giving, that we do not even consider her being ever-supportive rock during our formative years, and as a constant support in our adulthood....

But on this mother's day....when I am far away from you mom, I am remembering of the special efforts you made for making me what I am.

I am missing you Ma'

This is the first time that I am not with you on this day but I wish every joy....every pleasure on your way....

You are my bridge. When I needed to get across, you steadied yourself long enough for me to run across safely.

In all my efforts to learn to read, you have shared fully my ambition and sympathized with me and aided me in every way. If I have done anything in life worth attention, I feel sure that I inherited the disposition from you, my mother.

I remember you on your hands and knees, with mouth full of straight pins, hemming a new dress for me...

I remember you waking with me at nights to help me stay awake during my exams....

I remember you soothing my nerves whenever I had a war with bhai or friends.....

Mumma, you have given me a feeling of trust and stability. You are my earth. You are the one I can count on for the things that matter most of all.

You are my extra blanket when it grows cold in the night; you are my warmth and my health and my shelter...

You are the one I need to be near me when I cry.

I wish I could give you all the comforts of the world. But no matter what I give to you, you give back much, much more.

Today I'm giving you a pure, sweet rose, that I gathered in the early morning......
This is the rose you planted in my heart, the day that I was born!!!
With all the love and all the fond memories of my kinder days....
The rose I give to you today.........is the love that's in my heart.

Luv you always.......

remembering pa'

My life changed forever!!!

My father died that day, and I lost the greatest man I've ever known. He was the best dad any daughter ever had. My mother, brother and I will never be quite the same.

For the past few years my father had suffered from kidney and heart problems. We all knew that time was precious, and I made a conscious effort to build as many memories as I could. I talked to him whenever I could. He was one of my very best friends, and we were always sharing stories and swapping tales. He was funny and smart, and knew how to fix anything. He was the backbone of our family, and we relied upon his wisdom and advice.

Watching him slowly deteriorate, was heartbreaking for me and our family, because no matter how hard we wished for it, he wasn't going to get better.

My last birthday together....he was soooo happy!!!Being a great composer....he composed and sang a song for me.That was indeed the most beautiful day of my life!

Few bays later, on way to hospital, I remember praying to God, "Please let us have him with us for just a little longer," over and over in my head. But I knew he was never coming home.

When he left us, a part of me died with him. I will never be the same again.

It has taken me so many years to come to terms with his death. I think of him, and miss him every day of my life. However, what they say really is true. The passing of time does help ease the pain of loss. But there are those days when I miss seeing his face, and hearing his voice, and I would give anything in this world to be able to talk to him just one more time.

When I feel especially sad, I tell myself that I am truly blessed to have had such a loving and gentle father. He was my special hero, and I can never thank him enough for all of the things he taught me, and for all of the wonderful memories he has given me to treasure.

Throughout my life, I will honor him by being the best person I can be. He would want me to go on with my life, to be happy. And this is what I will do, as I know he is watching over me.

He is the angel on my shoulder, and I thank God every day for giving me the best dad in the world.

I'll always love you, "Pa".

Rest in peace!!!

nothing remains the same

....and the innocence was lost.....and nothing would ever remain the same.

There was death in that vision.

There was madness.

There was fear.

But it was blurred. I could not see it clearly. I could not see the detail. I did not know if the death and madness were happening to me, or happening around me. And in a sense, I was lost. In too many ways...... i was lost.

perfection

PERFECTION!

" Its all about learning how to carry out work-at its Best....nothing less nothing more!!

Thats what I demand from myself as well.

I should go and study and complete that damn chapter.
Its not all that drilling, but all that over broiling since the last few dayz....has left me exhausted, and the urge to rather sleep is gearing up!!!

But I cant let that happen....afterall, exams are just 3 dayz down the way,, which I have to pass...with better satisfaction than last time.

Last time, it was all about just PASSING, this time I want to learn...simulate...trigger..my mind..be more open and receptive....(isnt this jargon singing? probably, the hangover of IS-LM Models.....)

Anyways...I better have some good coffee now to get over these persistent and haunting feelings of mine with a zeal of attaining perfection tonight!!!

nights b4 xmz

'Examz' are back!!!
My room mates studying....me looking for whuz online to chat wid....
Indeed....some things never change!!!

Law (as a subject)is a disaster. It seems as if I had been studying it since ages....but every time, its all the way new! You study about one clause and you mess up the other!

Need to complete the book tonight.
Wonder would I be sane to write the next blog!!!